Confessions Of A Former Out Of Control, Mad Diabetic

Warning:  May contain worry inducing commentary...don't be alarmed.

Diabetes runs in the family on both sides, so it stands to reason that the curse would find someone in the immediate family. Not to mention that my ethnicity also contributes, along with all the other factors; sedentary lifestyle, poor eating and exercising habits.  I guess I was destined to be the chosen one in my immediate family.

Somewhere between 2002-2005, I was diagnosed with diabetes.  I remember the doctor telling me, prescribing the meds and having her nurse show me how to use a glucometer.  I remember walking out of her office in a daze, sitting in my car and bawling.  I called my mom and cried some more.

Living with it is a challenge.  Yes, as a Type II, I have it somewhat easier than Type I sufferers. Either way, it's not a pleasant disease.  To effectively manager Type II, you have to make some serious changes in your life.  Watching your diet, exercising, taking meds until you can get it under control.  Easier said than done sometimes because to master those things, requires some mental preparedness.

But what the doctors don't often mention in the diagnosis is the sheer mental exhaustion with fighting against it.  Every stick of the lancet, every insulin injection, the feeling of being chained to the disease.  They don't tell you about the overwhelming depression and self-hatred, the "why me?" and, "what did I do to deserve this?"  They don't tell you that you feel like an epic failure when you haven't managed your condition.

They want you to take care of yourself, but when you go into the office and you get your A1c back and you get lectured...you walk out feeling like a failure and when you're down, how do you manage to do the things you need to do.

I've cried, I've raged, I've contemplated really bad things.  Emotions up, emotions down.  Good days, bad days and days when everything else is falling apart so it's even worse.  

The upside; however, is that I am getting better at managing it.  It truly comes down to what you are putting in your body.  Sure I have my junk every now and then, but for the last 5 weeks I have been filling my body with good for me foods.  I haven't eliminated carbs at all.  Yes, I'm watching my sugar intake, my carbs are low on the glycemic index and I watch my carbs in the evenings.  It's worked.  For 5 weeks, I have conquered my diabetes.  I've had normal readings.  This from a person who averaged 250, I haven't seen normal in years and now, that's where they have been every time I've taken them.

That should be enough for a super emotional high and it is, but sometimes beating the beast isn't enough.  I'm staying the course and while I am not eating My Fit Foods, I'm doing my own version of them.  We'll see how this goes.  Now if everything else can get on track :)

Random Jumbled Thoughts

I could write for days lately...it's a way of giving voice to my feelings, but with these I can't.  Maybe the only thing I can say is that life does truly suck sometimes.

Unexpected...

In the normal course of events, "unexpected" typically causes much consternation or, on occasion, surprise; a flat tire, a dead battery, a new project at work due immediately, an unexpected gift.  In my life it has never been the return of someone from my past.

That has been the case until August.  "I think I might know you... its been a long time.. You might remember me... Honesty not trying to be creepy.. forgive me if this comes across that way..."  Out of the blue a message appeared on Facebook. To say it was unexpected is an understatement.

A flicker of recognition.  I knew that name a long time ago.  Memories of long conversations.  His angst, my pain, music, life, friendship, common bonds.  Memories of pouring out the pain I had while he offered an ear and a solid shoulder.  Giving him advice as he tried to manage his tumultuous life.  As quickly as we bonded, we drifted apart.  Our lives taking different paths.

More than a decade later, he was back with a simple message and details.  Undeniable that we'd known each other back then.  Facebook messages back and forth.  After determining, he wasn't a psycho stalker, an exchange of cell phone numbers and we were off to the races.  I joined the world of unlimited talk and text.

Three, four weeks of daily texting, I've really lost count.  Thanks to the most ridiculous work schedule I've even encountered, an actual call at least once a week.  Yet, there seems to be no lack of things to discuss.  I'm not even sure what we talk about all day long, but we do.  Lighthearted conversations, deep conversations.  I've been humbled and scared, nervous and anxious, insecure and doubtful, tongue-tied and shocked, happy and joyful, amazed and bewildered with every word that has left our fingertips or mouths.

It's sometimes amusing how things happen in my life, but I have to say this has been the most bemusing, confusing, and utterly AWESOME event that's occurred. 

So here is to the past that started it all,  the amazing present, and the unforeseen future.  It just goes to show that when you least expect it, the unexpected can happen.



A Smile...

A smile, something which takes minimal effort, but has major impact. Big smiles, little smiles, miles of smiles. Smiles, the one thing that's universal. It doesn't matter where you are, a smile says so much.

I've always known that smiling could make a difference in someone's day. On my most recent trip to India, I got to see the impact. One of the sweetest people I met on this trip was our driver, Dilshad.

There he was, waiting every afternoon. Quiet, seemingly shy but listening to everything. For the first two days I didn't know his name and that bugged me, but I was usually riding in the back, letting other members of the team ride shotgun.

However, we finally had a weekend to play tourist and that's when we found out his name and smiles became a regular occurance amongst all of us. We'd walk up to the car, "Good Afternoon Ma'am" and a smile. He'd pick us up, "Good Evening, Ma'am" and a smile. We ran him ragged over the weekend; however, he was nothing but smiles.

In that week's time, I learned more about him, about his family. He shared pictures of his wife (soon to be at the time) and his niece. He saw pictures of my nephews and my niece. We slowly became friends over the week.

It's rather funny, our conversations. We talk once a week. These chats turn into Hindi lessons, discussions about life, how his family is doing, how my family is doing; and while part of me is a little jaded because I know he would like to come to the US, I am hoping that time will flesh out his sincerity in being a "friend".

9000 miles away and he can tell if I am upset or disturbed, as he likes to say. 9000 miles away and he's cracking jokes so I will laugh. I know he wants a better life for himself and his new bride. It is my hope that his future is as bright as his smile.

The Art of Mehendi

Mehendi - one of the most beautiful art forms I've ever experienced. Traditionally applied to brides (contrary to rumor, I did not get married in India), this mehendi was quite different from the Arabic style I had last time. This was so intricate, almost lacy in appearance, yet it took the ladies approximately an hour and a half to complete front and back of the hands and forearms of two people.

There is something so striking about these designs. It was all free handed by the artists. Absolute creativity. I am told the darker it is, the better. These pictures were as it was being done; however, on me there are parts of the palms that get nearly black. Nearly a month since having it applied, the darker spots on my palms have faded away completely today (5/25).

I am not someone who likes drawing attention to myself, but I do love the attention I get when I am adorned with such incredible art.